I
have this image of myself and on occasionally circumstances shows me I am
wrong. I believe I live my life in close
relationship with God. Bear with my drama of this week that exposed how I was
wrong. Sunday night at 10 PM working 12 hour night shift at the factory my
vision developed a large grey cloud blocking a third of my vision in my right
eye. I imagined the worst but calmed my inner hypochondriac and finished
my shift. When I woke on Monday I called for advice and spoke with a nurse.
They agreed that it probably wasn’t Mini-stoke because I had no other symptoms.
They said they could schedule me an appointment with the Nurse practitioner. I
saw it wasn’t urgent and I didn’t know how I could cover work (didn’t want to
be a bother) so I put it off. Tuesday at
work I noticed the grey spot had increased to half of my lower vision so I
decided to sleep short on Wednesday and made a 3 PM appointment with the Nurse
practitioner. She checked me out and decided it was very important to see an ophthalmologist
immediately. I had to call work because
now I needed to be a bother. I called not knowing if I was going to be late or
call off. At the ophthalmologist they see that my optic nerve is inflamed, technically
it is called a papilledema, It is always comforting to own a complicated name
for your sickness. The ophthalmologist sends me to the ER for a CT scan and
meeting with a Neurologist. They ask me if I will have anyone meet me at the
ER, the cause of the papilledema can be many things but worst case scenario is
a brain tumor. I call work tell them I probably will not make it in and call my
wife, Jacqui. Still, probably just an
infection but this could get real. Time to be a bother. At work the dayshift
guy can’t get coverage but he is a stand up guy and says don’t worry about work
take care of what you need. Jacqui changes her evening plans and heads out to
the ER. The CT scan is done quickly at
the ER but they tell me there is no Neurologist there. They will send the
results to the doctor who ordered the scan. I tried to explain the ophthalmologist
can’t read the scan I need to see a neurologist. I’m not good at asking for
help and thought to myself; what part of there is no neurologist here am I not
getting. It is already 7 PM, I’ll take care of this on Thursday since Wednesday
is my last 12 hour night shift. Frustrated I call my wife and stop her in route
and call my work, told them I would make it in. I was going to be able to handle
my own business.
The
ophthalmologist office woke me around 9 AM on Thursday and said they would get
me an appointment with a neurologist. Went back to sleep comforted that the
wheels were in motion. I didn’t mean to sleep till 2 PM since I need to shift back
to a dayshift schedule but I thought that I was going to get another call.
Followed up with the ophthalmologist office and they said I needed to call my primary
care doctor. Called primary care office and they told me the CT scan was
negative and I needed to schedule myself an appointment with a neurologist. Good
news so why do I still need to see the Neurologist? Because the ophthalmologist
said I should. Ok, good enough. I called
the neurologist office and had a difficult time setting up an appointment. Said
I couldn’t set up an appointment without a referral. I explained I’m being
directed by the ophthalmologist, had a CT scan, didn’t have a referral in my
hand but I’m sure I could get it. The nurse or receptionist said OK and passed
me on to another person in the office. I started over trying to explain
everything with her. Said Ok passed me on to the doctor’s assistant and got a
voicemail. Leave a message they’ll get back to me in a day. I have to say for
some reason when wait staff ignore me it bothers me way more than it should. Self-reliance
is a defense mechanism. I tried to take the lack of care as a sign the my
condition must not be serious but with the constant cloud in my right eye it is
hard to subdue the inner hypochondriac. What makes matters more complicated
(better and worse) is my wife, Jacqui’s concern and that of my church family. I
was a little taken aback by Jacqui spreading my health issue as part of a
prayer chain. I don’t know why. I guess I don’t want to be a bother or that the
more people that care makes it harder for me not to be overcome with my own
self concern.
At
2 AM on Friday morning I’m lying in bed imagining the worst case scenarios. The
health administrators are ignoring me but they’ll be sorry because I’m really
sick. My stinking thinking wakes me fully up and I realize I need to find my
comfort in God’s presence. It dawned on me that I have had others praying for
me and I have not yet brought this to God. I start my prayers with thanksgiving
and I tell God I know he loves me. I feel in my heart with all my suppressed
worry that God doesn’t love me. Unleash the drama, unleash the tears. I look at
my circumstances and I can’t help it, I don’t feel loved. The conflict of what I know and what I feel
does not matter. If you haven’t been in relationship with God, if you haven’t
felt yourself in His presence, I don’t know if you can understand. In His presence
His love is made known to me. His love soaks into my bones. Cleansing tears
flow of their own free will.
This
image I have of myself walking close with God. I’m comfortable dropping into
prayer in thanksgiving or for the needs of others. God has given me the fruits
of His spirit in the joy I have in this life. In actuality I’m walking by the
pool occasionally dipping my toe in to check the temperature. I’m glad God
calls me into His presence and heals the wound I hide even from myself.
I
know I am blessed and I know this sickness is probably minor but God says stuff
the stoicism. It’s earnest when I thank God for this health issue. He draws me
close to Himself because I am loved. I can be thankful and stoic with or
without a close relationship but why would you go without.
Does
my self-reliance lead to self-centeredness? I have a thankful spirit so why do
I hesitate being dependent on God?
