blind vission

I have this image of myself and on occasionally circumstances shows me I am wrong.  I believe I live my life in close relationship with God. Bear with my drama of this week that exposed how I was wrong. Sunday night at 10 PM working 12 hour night shift at the factory my vision developed a large grey cloud blocking a third of my vision in my right eye. I imagined the worst but calmed my inner hypochondriac and finished my shift. When I woke on Monday I called for advice and spoke with a nurse. They agreed that it probably wasn’t Mini-stoke because I had no other symptoms. They said they could schedule me an appointment with the Nurse practitioner. I saw it wasn’t urgent and I didn’t know how I could cover work (didn’t want to be a bother) so I put it off.  Tuesday at work I noticed the grey spot had increased to half of my lower vision so I decided to sleep short on Wednesday and made a 3 PM appointment with the Nurse practitioner. She checked me out and decided it was very important to see an ophthalmologist immediately.  I had to call work because now I needed to be a bother. I called not knowing if I was going to be late or call off. At the ophthalmologist they see that my optic nerve is inflamed, technically it is called a papilledema, It is always comforting to own a complicated name for your sickness. The ophthalmologist sends me to the ER for a CT scan and meeting with a Neurologist. They ask me if I will have anyone meet me at the ER, the cause of the papilledema can be many things but worst case scenario is a brain tumor. I call work tell them I probably will not make it in and call my wife, Jacqui.  Still, probably just an infection but this could get real. Time to be a bother. At work the dayshift guy can’t get coverage but he is a stand up guy and says don’t worry about work take care of what you need. Jacqui changes her evening plans and heads out to the ER.  The CT scan is done quickly at the ER but they tell me there is no Neurologist there. They will send the results to the doctor who ordered the scan. I tried to explain the ophthalmologist can’t read the scan I need to see a neurologist. I’m not good at asking for help and thought to myself; what part of there is no neurologist here am I not getting. It is already 7 PM, I’ll take care of this on Thursday since Wednesday is my last 12 hour night shift. Frustrated I call my wife and stop her in route and call my work, told them I would make it in. I was going to be able to handle my own business.

The ophthalmologist office woke me around 9 AM on Thursday and said they would get me an appointment with a neurologist. Went back to sleep comforted that the wheels were in motion. I didn’t mean to sleep till 2 PM since I need to shift back to a dayshift schedule but I thought that I was going to get another call. Followed up with the ophthalmologist office and they said I needed to call my primary care doctor. Called primary care office and they told me the CT scan was negative and I needed to schedule myself an appointment with a neurologist. Good news so why do I still need to see the Neurologist? Because the ophthalmologist said I should. Ok, good enough.  I called the neurologist office and had a difficult time setting up an appointment. Said I couldn’t set up an appointment without a referral. I explained I’m being directed by the ophthalmologist, had a CT scan, didn’t have a referral in my hand but I’m sure I could get it. The nurse or receptionist said OK and passed me on to another person in the office. I started over trying to explain everything with her. Said Ok passed me on to the doctor’s assistant and got a voicemail. Leave a message they’ll get back to me in a day. I have to say for some reason when wait staff ignore me it bothers me way more than it should. Self-reliance is a defense mechanism. I tried to take the lack of care as a sign the my condition must not be serious but with the constant cloud in my right eye it is hard to subdue the inner hypochondriac. What makes matters more complicated (better and worse) is my wife, Jacqui’s concern and that of my church family. I was a little taken aback by Jacqui spreading my health issue as part of a prayer chain. I don’t know why. I guess I don’t want to be a bother or that the more people that care makes it harder for me not to be overcome with my own self concern.

At 2 AM on Friday morning I’m lying in bed imagining the worst case scenarios. The health administrators are ignoring me but they’ll be sorry because I’m really sick. My stinking thinking wakes me fully up and I realize I need to find my comfort in God’s presence. It dawned on me that I have had others praying for me and I have not yet brought this to God. I start my prayers with thanksgiving and I tell God I know he loves me. I feel in my heart with all my suppressed worry that God doesn’t love me. Unleash the drama, unleash the tears. I look at my circumstances and I can’t help it, I don’t feel loved.  The conflict of what I know and what I feel does not matter. If you haven’t been in relationship with God, if you haven’t felt yourself in His presence, I don’t know if you can understand. In His presence His love is made known to me. His love soaks into my bones. Cleansing tears flow of their own free will.

This image I have of myself walking close with God. I’m comfortable dropping into prayer in thanksgiving or for the needs of others. God has given me the fruits of His spirit in the joy I have in this life. In actuality I’m walking by the pool occasionally dipping my toe in to check the temperature. I’m glad God calls me into His presence and heals the wound I hide even from myself.

I know I am blessed and I know this sickness is probably minor but God says stuff the stoicism. It’s earnest when I thank God for this health issue. He draws me close to Himself because I am loved. I can be thankful and stoic with or without a close relationship but why would you go without.

Does my self-reliance lead to self-centeredness? I have a thankful spirit so why do I hesitate being dependent on God?

What is worse than having an addiction? Having no addiction. No passion, no drive, no focus, nothing to live for. Jesus did not say do not drink that water. He said, I am the living water, drink of me and thirst no more. You cannot stop your thirst, you can only refocus it toward a healthy addiction.

I have a well-crafted idea of who I am. I am smart, kind, hard-working, generous, easygoing, funny, honest and caring. I know I fall short of my ideal but I’m honest with myself and humble to the evidence and logic that life presents me. I am not so egotistical to have created a crest for myself but I have envisioned it. This Self I must let go. I must give this all to Christ who gave all for me.

Galatian 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

I understand this logically but have only come to understand how desperately I cling to this idea of self. I am very proud of my humility. The burden of this Self I impose upon my family, friends and coworkers. I chose my words and deeds carefully, caring too much of everyone’s opinion. I wish to give my life to God but in practice I have lived my life for this idea of self.  I am broken and can’t continue in this manner. When I put myself in his hands only then can I be lifted high.

The Heron & the Coot

By Hubert Hausoul

The Great Blue Heron strutted through the shallows among the lily pads.

A Mud Duck saw him and bid a cheery “Good day and good fishing.”

The proud heron annoyed at the distraction called back,

“The fishing would be easier if I could ignore the reflection of my great stature.”

“You are beautifully made” said the coot “but I am glad I am not you. God made me small and  simple but he takes care of me well.”

“From my magnificent vantage,” replied the heron”I can see fish from afar.”

“I am not stuck fishing in the shallows.” said the coot “I can dive deep and go where the fish are. From my simple vantage I can see God’s point of view. I do not get my opinion of myself by looking at myself. I am valued because the creator values me.”

The heron turn his head sideways and gazed at his reflection with new curiosity.

Mirror Mirror, who are you?

reflections of Hubert Hausoul

Self contemplation is just another story that thrills my soul.

As I examine my motives, my drives, my ambitions with the purpose to analyze my thinking I’m using a logic I created.

Is the science of my brain a valid mirror?

I have discovered that I am always telling myself stories and then test them to see if they ring true. We all tell ourselves stories and we should know when we are spinning the stories to make ourselves feel better. Or are we such good storytellers that we believe our own lies? Are you capable of examining yourself with an impartial eye?

Could you surprise yourself?

I was surprised to realize that I am an adventure seeker. This would surprise you to if you knew me and my uneventful blue collar existence.  The kind of adventure I seek is in the story that is life. Is this common? Are we all Walter Mitty creating adventure to add meaning and excitement into our life?

Is this a necessary part of a sane existence?

Thousands of years ago Socrates said an unexamined life is not worth living. What if we examine our life and find the only value is that which we make up. The fact that we create the currency does not make it less valuable.

Story gets you through work and into vocation without changing jobs.

Story gets you from internal loneliness into the company of kindred spirits without shaking hands.

Story gets you from embarrassment into humility and from discipline into love all within your own mind.

Spin the story, wash your brain and chose the outcome that keeps you sane.

How crazy is that?

Holy Saturday

Everyday of holy week represents a place for us spiritually. Every day is a glorious place to be except Saturday. All the days have uplifting messages except for Saturday. Saturday is the saddest yet Saturday is where I find myself spiritually most often.

On palm Sunday and Easter Sunday we celebrate God is here. He is with us, he can conquer even death. We feel his presence and we have joy in knowing the creator is with us. When God is with us who can stand against us. No one!

Monday the temple is for the believers. On Monday Christ went to the temple and kicked over the money changers tables. We are called to relationship with God. Religion is meant to draw us nearer to Him yet sometimes it does the opposite. We need to have righteous indignation to all that comes between God and us. We need to be aware of the devil in the temple.

Tuesday is for thanksgiving. On Tuesday Mary poured incense over Christ feet. Thanksgiving is the secret to joy in our life or the lack of thanksgiving the reason for most of our misery. We take so much for granted. I don’t even think we can comprehend how much God does for us every minute of our lives. How glorious it is when we get a glimpse of how much we are blessed.

Wednesday Jesus lifted up His believers in prayer. How great is the power of prayer. How wonderful is the church to be called the body of Christ. Missionaries are giving glory to God across the globe. Christians to support and be supported. Solidarity and iron sharpening iron.

Thursday is for service. Jesus cleaned the feet of His apostles. I have been happiest when I have found a way to serve others in need. Work with purpose is what every man desires. We spend so much time in our own self serving thoughts that to set that aside and help others is cleansing. Service takes action and moves my soul toward my desired goals.

Friday I am set free from sin. On the cross Christ paid the price. His body broken and His blood spilled for my redemption. Sin has no power over me. No power to penalize me. No power to hold me or captivate me. I am free and have the ability never to be grabbed again.

Saturday God was silent. The apostle Joseph laid Christ in the tomb. The rest of the followers were scattered. Confusion and dismay ruled the day. The hands that healed were cold, lifeless and broken. On Friday I was redeemed but on Saturday I am revealed. My character flaws show and my doubts are exposed. Like the apostles I too have been in God’s presence yet suddenly I’m afraid, lonely, depressed and disjointed. On the cross Christ called out “my God why have you forsaken me”. On Saturday his disciples cried out to God and heard nothing. Joseph was brave enough to go ask for Christ body for burial. God gave Joseph burial rituals and customs that helped Joseph through this hard time. The myrrh and aloes used with linens to wrap the broken body of our Lord were fragrant and comforted the sorrows. When God is silent I need my rituals. I wish to greet each morning with this prayer: Come, Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of Your love. Send forth Your Spirit and they shall be created and You shall renew the face of the earth. I’m intentional about prayer and bible study. Find your rituals and be comforted in God’s silence. Know that the glory of Sunday is just a day away.

In this modern age we like to believe that along with technology we have invented new theological ideas. The realities are that most of the same "modern" issues of society were thought about and deeply discussed centuries ago.  I read about what St. Bonaventure wrote and it seams progressive or "new age". He lived from 1221 to 1274.

According to medieval scholar St. Bonaventure we perceive with three eyes: Eye of Flesh, Eye of Mind, and Eye of Contemplation

St. Bonaventure, the great Doctor Seraphicus of the Church and a favorite philosopher of Western mystics, taught that men and women have at least three modes of attaining knowledge—"three eyes," as he put it (following Hugh of St. Victor, another famous mystic): the eye of flesh, by which we perceive the external world of space, time, and objects; the eye of reason, by which we attain a knowledge of philosophy, logic, and the mind itself; and the eye of contemplation, by which we rise to a knowledge of transcendent realities.

The mind in contemplating God has three distinct aspects, stages or grades—the senses, giving empirical knowledge of what is without and discerning the traces (vestigia) of the divine in the world; the reason, which examines the soul itself, the image of the divine Being; and lastly, pure intellect (intelligentia), which, in a transcendent act, grasps the Being of the divine cause.

All my eyes are turned to God this lent season.